omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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