at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
