Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
