a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
