u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
