peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize