so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
