Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize