she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
