Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
