The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
