so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
