On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am spending my child support on dildos
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
