Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
PANTIES FOUND
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