how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
