My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
