i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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