What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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