i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
