i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
