So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
