stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
