apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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