So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
