I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
