im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
