just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
