All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
