New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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