Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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