I can tuck mytits in my pants
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
