I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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