weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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