I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if only i could text you this smell
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
BRING THE BAGELS
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I need water and some morals
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
