Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
