Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
