what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize