she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
