So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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