I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
