They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
