chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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