Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
