After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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