Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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