She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
