she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
