I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
