Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
