i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
