Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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