my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
