he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
