you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
