My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
