my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
