Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Drunk is not a location!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
