New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
operation harelip BJ is a go
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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