Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
