Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
