Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
